Choosing to be Stuck in Pain

Pain, whether physical, emotional, mental, or even spiritual, is all equally powerful. No form of pain surpasses another; each has the potential to either drive us apart or bring us closer. Despite only stepping into the role of a "coach" in 2020, my 28 years of experience in the alternative field have revealed numerous parallels in people's experiences of pain. It can serve as a catalyst for improvement and change, or it can act as a barrier, halting any progress in our lives. I firmly believe that our choices determine whether we navigate through pain to emerge on the other side or remain trapped within it.

Living in the hospital for four months recovering from a fatal MVA changed my life forever. My fifteen year career gone. My body as I knew it. Gone. I was never able to return to our home that we had. My marriage disinigrated, and my youngest baby girl... Gone from this world. That was a lot of pain to bare all at once. Enough pain that no one would blame me if I stayed in my hospital bed and quit. To lay in in all of my grief and dispair and do nothing. What does one do when your whole world is just shattered in an instant and you wake up to find that not one piece is left to salvage?

In a way, I was blessed with all the pain, nerve, antipsychotics medications they were pumping through me. I didn't have to "feel" the emotional and mental effects of it all at once. I even remember in the ICU tellling my best friend... "I know I should be sad, I know I should feel... But I am so numb... I can't cry". I believe that was a gift that was given to me... On average a person does not have to instantly cope with ALL of that at one time. Typically you do not loose your whole life all at once... A person normally has time to adjust, to learn coping tools/stratgies. They learn to impliment them before "the next" thing comes. One thing I can garuntee every single person out there. LIFE WILL HAPPEN. You can not stop it. How you choose to move through will dictate how you move through the next thing, then the next thing, then the next thing. If you do not learn how to adapt, how to implement what you have learned from the previous life challenge, the next life challenge will prove to be just as hard, or even harder.

In the hospital, I was very "institutionalized". I was told when to go to physical therapy, when to do occupational therapy, when meal times were, when visiting hours were over, when to get up and when to wind down for the night. Until I could do my own personal hygiene bymyself [wrapping up all my casts so they wouldn't get wet, transfering into a shower wheelchair so the nurses could wash the areas I could not reach etc] I was told how often I could be cleaned. It wasn't until I was put into a private room with a bathtub 3 months later that I could do ALL the things by myself. The ROUTINE was a corner stone for keeping my sanity. THIS is what I teach my clients when they decide to work with me. Without predictability. Without knowing where you are in your day, your week, your month, the brain has to work extremely hard to make sense out of life and is ALWAYS on high alert ready for the next stress to come at it. When we create predictability in the day... The brain can relax. The brain can focus on reducing physical pain and start looking around and asking "what can I do to help" vs "OMG! I'm going crazy I don't even know where to begin... OH SHI*. Another train is coming".

In 2yrs, I moved back home, had a baby, bought a home, had it completely flood so needed a temporary home while it was rebuilt, got married, moved back to my home only to have it burn completely down, moved back home, then my mom died, had to move again, and then was able to buy another home, moved again. [Which is a whole other stress that lasted 6 months and another learning lesson]. That is a lot of change in two years. That is a lot of stress in those two years. Whether it was exciting stress or hurtful stress the body knows no different. Cortisol production is cortisol production. Adrenal function is adrenal function. [If the adrenals are off, this WILL affect cortisol/cortizone and thyroid production and vice versa]. When we live in perpetual "accute stess" because life is happening, the whole body system is affected. Over those two years I learned to be constantly on the go, constantly looking for "the next thing to happen". My brain was rewired to look for trouble. Look for the next crisis. In coaching we often ask our clients "what is the worst case scenario if you did this.... And then what?... What does that change? ect". We play this game to prepare for when life does go sideways. [Just like firemen/policemen do physical training, whether its pulling a body out of a building or controlled wrestling training for combat, they condition themselves]. That way if life does go sideways, we know what to do because we are well trained. We don't stop there though. Once that excercise is complete we flip it and ask "what is the best that can happen?" A mentor once said to me "fear is a poor motivator". I never forgot that lesson. Never make a decison out of fear. Instead when life happens such as a death, a fire, a job loss, a surgery never base your decision on "worst case scenario". Yes, mentally prepare for that, but then! Prepare for success. What COULD happen? This is what trains the brain to relax, to develop new neuropathways so instead of being in a perpetual state of stress, your brain can actually relax and be happy. Content. Peaceful.

The following year after my mom died I took my sister out for a spa day on my moms birthday. NO WAY was I going to be staying at home grieving for her and staying in my saddness. [I was already subconsciously preparing for success back in 2007]. I chose to make fun positive feel good memories. I CHOSE to yes, take moments to grieve over my mom.... Being 25 loosing your mom is too young. However I didn't stay there. I made a plan. I DECIDED to have a good day. To make memories, to laugh, and to have an experience. This lesson was validated and solidified when I was in grief councilling for my daughter. They taught "make a plan for the hard days, look ahead and prepare for the mountain climb, or the decension into the cavern, but make a plan." When I was released back into society after living in the hospital, reintergration was HARD. But I made plans. I made my life predictable. I kept the same routine that I had in the hospital in the real world. Physio, pain treatments, body conditioning, meals, wake time and wind down time. Everything I learned in formal education and real life experience came front and center and if I had not learned those life lessons... I'd be stuck with no way out.

THIS IS THE PROCESS OF NAVIGATING PAIN, creating a plan and committing to it without compromise is crucial. Pain is universal. My own experiences of loss, including losing my home twice, my mother, my daughter, and various other significant losses like divorce, grandparents, another home, a father, my body, and my career, cannot be quantified or compared to others' pain. Their pain is just as valid as mine, whether it's from failing an exam, a failing marriage, job loss, a broken arm, or a diagnosis. Pain is pain. The key is in how you choose to handle it. Perhaps you've faced numerous challenges but struggle to grasp the lessons that could make it easier to cope. Maybe, like me in my early years, you've trained your mind to anticipate the next crisis, making it impossible to relax and think clearly about the next steps. It's possible that you've become so accustomed to living in sadness and anger that you unknowingly sabotage opportunities that could help you progress. I don't promote "toxic positivity." I believe in acknowledging feelings and thoughts, but I will push you if you repeatedly choose to remain stuck without putting in the effort to retrain your mindset and reclaim your life. Life can be painful and seem like an adversary, but when you start connecting the dots on how to navigate through it, life can become your greatest ally. Life is always preparing you for what lies ahead; it doesn't leave you unprepared. You are a phoenix in your own story. Will you remain in the ashes, or will you rise up and soar with your wings spread wide?

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